1 00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:04,903 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,273 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,710 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,880 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,503 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,232 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,956 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:29,862 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,546 We now return to Wes Anderson's 11 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:39,554 pan-up, pan-down French song, The End. 12 00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:49,631 Wow, that was amazing, I think. 13 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,766 All right, everyone. 14 00:00:50,834 --> 00:00:52,411 It's time to open up our bank statements. 15 00:00:52,435 --> 00:00:54,069 Let's gather around for prayer. 16 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,205 Hey, God. It's the Griffins. 17 00:00:57,274 --> 00:01:00,308 Again, we're very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death, 18 00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:02,010 but we still want a snowmobile. 19 00:01:02,079 --> 00:01:05,080 Today though, please let there be money in our bank account. 20 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,581 - Amen. - Amen. 21 00:01:08,052 --> 00:01:10,485 Damn it. It didn't work. We're still poor. 22 00:01:10,554 --> 00:01:13,555 Peter, every month our savings get smaller and smaller. 23 00:01:13,623 --> 00:01:15,290 We really got to figure out a better way 24 00:01:15,358 --> 00:01:17,125 to budget for this family's future. 25 00:01:17,194 --> 00:01:18,371 Bitcoin. What? 26 00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:20,261 I don't know. This is serious. 27 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,731 We need to think about our kids' education. 28 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,333 Of course it's already too late for Meg to go to college. 29 00:01:25,402 --> 00:01:27,602 And Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere. 30 00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:28,936 Yay! 31 00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,216 No, Chris. Not "yay." 32 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,174 But there's still time for Stewie. 33 00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:33,875 Let's sit down later 34 00:01:33,944 --> 00:01:36,255 and see if we can figure out a plan to get our finances in order. 35 00:01:36,279 --> 00:01:37,456 Don't worry about it, Lois. 36 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,458 I will always provide for the family. 37 00:01:39,482 --> 00:01:41,328 Even if I have to shoot our dinner. 38 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,671 This will look great in my study. 39 00:01:47,925 --> 00:01:50,525 I'm a hunter, but I'm a silly hunter. 40 00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,554 Hey, don't fill up on that. We got breakfast coming. 41 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,768 Hey, Peter, I think I figured out one way 42 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,003 we can save money for Stewie's college. 43 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,528 If we bundle our cable and Internet together, 44 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:11,830 we can save $14 a month. 45 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:14,265 No. Bundling is a sign of defeat. 46 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,967 Plus, I figured out something better. 47 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,002 A metal detector. What? 48 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,572 Yeah, combines two of America's greatest resources. 49 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,673 Garbage and luck. 50 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,974 That's stupid, Peter. 51 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,187 Ah, you're just saying that because 52 00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:26,445 the battery it uses causes bladder cancer. 53 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:27,679 Well, then I'm off. 54 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,588 I shall be at the beach looking for valuables 55 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,717 and occasionally using a doorless bathroom. 56 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:32,934 Good day, madam. 57 00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:40,642 We now return to The Awkward Stepdad Show. 58 00:02:40,711 --> 00:02:42,655 Man, your mom's a real groaner. 59 00:02:42,679 --> 00:02:44,879 Do you hear that in your room? 60 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,226 Hey, Dad, where are you going? 61 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,345 Well, Meg, now that I'm a metal detector guy, 62 00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:52,070 I gotta start eating breakfast at on-the-sand cafes 63 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:55,840 where I will judge tourists as my skin browns and hardens. 64 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,420 Stop throwing your kid's diapers 65 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,484 in the trash with all the soda cans. 66 00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:06,321 Hey, Lois, check out what I found with my metal detector. 67 00:03:07,904 --> 00:03:09,971 Are those... Are those Purple Hearts? 68 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,806 Yeah, some idiot buried like 100 of them 69 00:03:11,875 --> 00:03:13,942 in this big lawn under these bone cages. 70 00:03:14,011 --> 00:03:17,779 Peter, I think you desecrated a military graveyard. 71 00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:20,915 Hey, guys. Like, four jeeps just drove up onto our front yard. 72 00:03:20,984 --> 00:03:23,229 They must be here for the medals. Maybe. 73 00:03:23,253 --> 00:03:26,538 Or it could be because of my I'm Gonna Barf On The White House blog. 74 00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:34,479 Ah, sweet. 75 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:40,051 Huh. Wonder what happens if I turn it on and point 'em at each other? 76 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:44,990 Oh, my God. 77 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,425 Did you also call into a talk show 78 00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:50,095 without turning down your radio first? 79 00:03:53,383 --> 00:03:55,450 Jackpot. 80 00:03:55,518 --> 00:03:58,019 Wow, an iPad! This thing finds everything. 81 00:03:58,856 --> 00:03:59,871 Engagement ring. 82 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,540 Family locket. 83 00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:05,321 Sunglasses that are an upgrade over my current pair. 84 00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:08,813 There he is! There's the guy who's been stealing everyone's stuff. 85 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:11,066 Don't yell at me! I'm very sunburned. 86 00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:14,886 Go, crappy car. Go! 87 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,459 Peter, did you rob a bunch of people 88 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,261 on the beach with your metal detector? 89 00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:24,707 Well, that's only half the story. 90 00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:26,909 I also hooted at a lady who was breast-feeding. 91 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,434 I want you to get rid of that metal detector. 92 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,881 All you're doing is getting into trouble and digging up junk 93 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,872 when we really need to be saving for Stewie's college. 94 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,408 Tomorrow we are going to the mall 95 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,075 and returning that thing to the store. 96 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:40,745 Okay, fine. But you should know 97 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,692 the day I bought this metal detector 98 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,076 was the happiest day of my life. 99 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,602 Well, obviously the second happiest. 100 00:04:49,272 --> 00:04:53,474 ♪ Now we're gonna do this thing a little different tonight 101 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:58,546 ♪ You gonna come over and pick me up in your ride 102 00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:01,182 Oh, my God. I wasn't even supposed to be here. 103 00:05:01,251 --> 00:05:04,318 I passed out at the Tom Petty concert last night and just stayed. 104 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,622 ♪ You're gonna open my door 105 00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:10,859 ♪ And I'ma reach over and open yours 106 00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,728 ♪ Gonna pay for dinner, take me to see a movie 107 00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:17,598 ♪ And whisper in my ear how bad you really wanna do me ♪ 108 00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,501 Please, go slow. I have IBS. 109 00:05:25,842 --> 00:05:27,353 Well, I'm glad the store was willing 110 00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:28,855 to take that metal detector back. 111 00:05:28,879 --> 00:05:30,389 All right, let's go to the food court. 112 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,980 I love eating Panda Express 113 00:05:32,049 --> 00:05:34,115 while squeezing our purchases between our knees 114 00:05:34,184 --> 00:05:35,516 'cause someone might grab 'em. 115 00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,518 God, the mall sucks. Doesn't it, kids? 116 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,938 If I had a credit card, I'd shop online. 117 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,569 Oh, hey, Bonnie, what are you guys doing here? 118 00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:43,725 Oh, hey, Lois. 119 00:05:43,794 --> 00:05:45,727 We saw an ad looking for a toddler 120 00:05:45,796 --> 00:05:47,762 to appear in a peanut butter commercial, 121 00:05:47,831 --> 00:05:50,148 and we thought we'd bring Susie. 122 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:51,827 Joe, are you wearing a corsage? 123 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,886 Yeah, you can get a really good deal on them after prom season. 124 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:56,521 They're for girls, Joe. 125 00:05:56,589 --> 00:06:00,408 Hey, Peter? Why don't you let me do me, and you do you. Okay? 126 00:06:00,477 --> 00:06:02,209 "Peanut butter commercial," huh? 127 00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:03,978 Hey, Brian, maybe you should audition. 128 00:06:04,047 --> 00:06:06,058 You know, because of that one time you got in the trash 129 00:06:06,082 --> 00:06:08,015 and ate a whole jar of recalled peanut butter. 130 00:06:08,084 --> 00:06:09,261 It wasn't peanut butter, 131 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,553 it was that pre-mixed peanut butter and jelly thing. 132 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,154 Oh, Mom bought that? 133 00:06:13,222 --> 00:06:15,707 That's what the scab kid at school always has. 134 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,944 That was really great, Jake. Really, really great. 135 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,213 Your face is upside-down so we're not gonna pick you, 136 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,830 but thanks for coming. 137 00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:24,466 Hey, hey, this is you. 138 00:06:24,535 --> 00:06:27,302 "I'm Brian. I like garbage peanut butter. 139 00:06:27,371 --> 00:06:30,205 "And I wear my 'I voted' sticker for a week and a half." 140 00:06:30,274 --> 00:06:32,607 Nom, nom, nom, nom! 141 00:06:32,676 --> 00:06:35,910 I'm sorry. We're looking for more of a... Nom, nom, nom, nom! 142 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,230 Bob, look over there. 143 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,498 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom! 144 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,634 Whose kid is that? 145 00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,219 Oh, that's our son, Stewie. 146 00:06:45,288 --> 00:06:48,556 He's adorable. And exactly what we're looking for. 147 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,343 Congratulations. Your son is the new peanut butter kid. 148 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,345 My God! I don't believe it. 149 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,781 That's so cool. 150 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,827 Hey, what's Dad doing over there with Chris? 151 00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,713 Oh, he's telling him that he's no longer his favorite son. 152 00:07:04,107 --> 00:07:05,874 No! 153 00:07:06,276 --> 00:07:07,742 No! 154 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:14,382 Daddy! Daddy! 155 00:07:22,225 --> 00:07:25,385 I didn't even tell him. He just does not like to be touched. 156 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,763 Thanks for coming to the viewing party 157 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,754 for Stewie's commercial, everybody. 158 00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:38,456 We're sorry that it's airing during 2 Broke Girls, 159 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,570 but we have no control over that. 160 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,639 Thanks for coming to my big night, Brian. 161 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,396 I see you got all dressed up in your exposed wiener. 162 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,543 Quiet, everybody. Here it comes. 163 00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,503 Welcome home, honey. 164 00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:54,189 There's my family. 165 00:07:54,257 --> 00:07:56,135 Hey, wait. Where's the baby? 166 00:07:56,159 --> 00:07:58,460 Well, he likes his hero dad, 167 00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,129 but he loves Scooter's Peanut Butter. 168 00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:04,966 Nom, nom, nom, nom! Nom, nom, nom, nom! 169 00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:08,314 So good your baby will wanna eat it 170 00:08:08,338 --> 00:08:10,354 in an airport terminal bathroom. 171 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:11,850 Yeah, Stewie! 172 00:08:11,874 --> 00:08:14,275 He's a baby who did a baby thing. 173 00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:15,743 Let's all calm down a little. 174 00:08:15,812 --> 00:08:18,346 Oh, I can't believe Stewie's a commercial star. 175 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,858 We haven't had a celebrity in the family 176 00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:22,300 since my great-aunt Queen of Burlesque Griffin. 177 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,369 ♪ Cheesy jokes 178 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,072 ♪ And ugly broads 179 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,341 ♪ Way back when 180 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,476 ♪ They had no porn 181 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:37,815 ♪ Just scarves, fans, fat, gross 182 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:40,251 ♪ A terrible time 183 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:43,070 ♪ For your penis to live in ♪ 184 00:08:47,544 --> 00:08:50,478 Bill. Bill. Bill. 185 00:08:50,547 --> 00:08:53,181 Weird magazine about our town that's just ads. 186 00:08:53,249 --> 00:08:55,416 Hmm, this one's for Stewie. 187 00:08:55,485 --> 00:08:57,818 Whoa! A check for $2,000! 188 00:08:57,887 --> 00:08:59,320 Let me see that. 189 00:08:59,389 --> 00:09:02,256 It's a royalty check from Stewie's commercial. 190 00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:05,026 Apparently, he gets paid every time it airs. 191 00:09:05,095 --> 00:09:06,295 This is great. 192 00:09:06,329 --> 00:09:08,662 We can put it right into Stewie's college fund. 193 00:09:08,731 --> 00:09:10,398 Yeah, yeah, but, you know, 194 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,700 maybe we should keep a little bit out to celebrate. 195 00:09:12,768 --> 00:09:14,146 I mean, I ain't done nothing fancy 196 00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:17,038 since I bought those rich guy socks. 197 00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:21,042 Ah, there. I'm ready to get caught cheating with my secretary. 198 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,035 Welcome, folks. Would you like flat or sparkling water to start? 199 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,214 Garden hose will be fine. 200 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,738 We prefer it to be hot and then metally. 201 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:37,008 Actually, Peter, let's go for the sparkling water. 202 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,644 I mean, we are celebrating our little commercial star 203 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:41,313 and his big payday. 204 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,714 Oh, I don't care about that, ma'am. 205 00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,628 You know, this is a nice dinner and all, 206 00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,630 but I thought you guys were gonna save this commercial money 207 00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,154 for Stewie's college fund? 208 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,958 We are saving it, Brian. This is just a little celebration. 209 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,071 The rest of it is going right in the bank. 210 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,307 Yeah, and besides, it's been a while since we ate at a place 211 00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:59,909 where if you ask for ketchup, they look at you like you're dirt. 212 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,577 You know, Stewie actually got a call 213 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,279 for another commercial tomorrow. 214 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,014 Who knows? This could be the beginning 215 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,688 of a nice career for him. 216 00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:08,334 You sure about this, Lois? 217 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,157 I mean, the world of child acting 218 00:10:10,227 --> 00:10:12,338 can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. 219 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,458 Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child. 220 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,322 Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff? 221 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:19,278 Didn't your father hate your guts and die? 222 00:10:19,302 --> 00:10:21,836 Whoa! Bring a gun to a knife fight. 223 00:10:21,905 --> 00:10:23,571 Look, I'm sorry. 224 00:10:23,639 --> 00:10:26,757 All I'm saying is, just try to keep Stewie's best interests in mind. 225 00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,693 Relax, Brian. Stewie's fine. 226 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,863 I mean, look at him. He's happier than a sunny-side up egg. 227 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,810 What a great way to start the day. 228 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,800 What a pan! What a grill! 229 00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:38,469 Oh, no! I'm at Denny's! 230 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,805 Hey, I'm a drug addict and it's midnight. 231 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,307 Where's my breakfast? 232 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,643 Help! He's only gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me. 233 00:10:50,032 --> 00:10:53,212 Okay, Stewie. You booked the last commercial without even trying, 234 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,047 so this one should be a piece of cake. 235 00:10:57,207 --> 00:11:00,741 Oh, I guess there are other people auditioning, too. 236 00:11:00,810 --> 00:11:04,212 Oh, is your child up for the cough syrup commercial, too? 237 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,491 You'd have no way of knowing this, 238 00:11:05,515 --> 00:11:08,416 but the moms tend to dress up. 239 00:11:08,485 --> 00:11:10,284 Oh, thank you. 240 00:11:10,353 --> 00:11:11,873 And you'd have no way of knowing that 241 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,088 my son is the Scooter's Peanut Butter kid. 242 00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:15,723 That's cute. 243 00:11:15,791 --> 00:11:19,260 My son had a gun waved in his face in a Dexter episode. 244 00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:21,140 Are you guys talking about your kids? 245 00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:25,266 My daughter is the American Apparel slut baby. 246 00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:29,137 My son got crapped on in the last Jackass movie. 247 00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:32,056 God, everyone here is so talented. 248 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,168 Hi, everybody. 249 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,637 We're a little crunched for time, 250 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,662 so we're gonna have to audition people right here in the hallway. 251 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,642 You, do something exceptional. 252 00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:41,366 Uh, okay. 253 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,942 Oh, my grundle! It's bruised. 254 00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,343 It's bruised bad. 255 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,879 Oh, okay, I'm out. I'm out. Tapping out. 256 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,815 Well, that was a disaster. 257 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,050 It was humiliating is what it was. 258 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,388 That woman just smiled when Stewie banged his balls on the floor. 259 00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,656 A damn disaster. 260 00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,425 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom! 261 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,976 Shut up! That's over. 262 00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,423 Did you see those other kids? They were amazing. 263 00:12:11,447 --> 00:12:14,516 One of them was texting with the funny dumb kid from Modern Family. 264 00:12:14,584 --> 00:12:15,917 I wanna text with that kid. 265 00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,763 Holy Christmas! There were a lot of 266 00:12:17,787 --> 00:12:20,171 hot moms in yoga pants in there, though. 267 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,807 Dear me. They're really disappointed in me, Rupert. 268 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,386 I haven't seen the fat man this upset 269 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,330 since he went to the 9/11 museum. 270 00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:28,646 Lois made us do this, 271 00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:31,249 but I wanted to go to the Central Park merry-go-round. 272 00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:32,467 We had time to do both. 273 00:12:38,241 --> 00:12:39,241 What the hell? 274 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,841 Okay. That's great, that's great. Just one question, Stewie. 275 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,488 Do you get pleasure out of humiliating your family? 276 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,646 Yeah. Is there some kind of sick joy in it? 277 00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,525 Why can't he just be Pierce Brosnan? 278 00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,760 Pierce Brosnan would have got this. 279 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,317 In a heartbeat. 280 00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:08,497 It's 3:00 in the morning. What the hell are you guys doing? 281 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,688 What does it look like? We're practicing. 282 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,234 Stewie has another audition tomorrow, 283 00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:14,303 and we're not gonna be embarrassed like we were today. 284 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,627 See? This is the kind of thing I was talking about. 285 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,462 And look at him. He can barely stand up. 286 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:21,516 That's why I made this. I call it "8-hour ENERGY". 287 00:13:21,584 --> 00:13:23,183 It's one part 5-hour ENERGY, 288 00:13:23,252 --> 00:13:24,663 and the other three hours are espresso, 289 00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:25,865 Scotts Turf Builder, 290 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,034 and a tiny, tiny, super small amount of cocaine. 291 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,202 Just a little bit. 292 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,159 I can't stress the littleness of it enough. 293 00:13:33,830 --> 00:13:36,997 Whoa! Mama, there's a kick like a mule. 294 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:39,867 ♪ Who will buy this wonderful morning? 295 00:13:39,936 --> 00:13:42,236 ♪ Such a sky you never did see ♪ 296 00:13:42,305 --> 00:13:44,149 There he is. There's the magic. 297 00:13:44,173 --> 00:13:47,241 Peter, you're giving your baby drugs to improve his acting career? 298 00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:48,709 Oh, he's fine with it. 299 00:13:48,778 --> 00:13:50,778 Stewie, if you're fine with it, bleed from the nose. 300 00:13:52,181 --> 00:13:53,748 I think that's pretty close. 301 00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,471 All right, Stewie. Now remember what we practiced last night. 302 00:14:06,495 --> 00:14:08,396 And here's a trick to keep that confidence up. 303 00:14:08,464 --> 00:14:10,231 You go in that room and imagine 304 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,499 everyone in it wants you sexually. 305 00:14:12,568 --> 00:14:13,867 I'm doing it right now. 306 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:16,554 And I feel powerful. Okay. 307 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:18,684 And don't forget. If you screw this up, 308 00:14:18,708 --> 00:14:20,453 Mommy's gonna kill all of your toys. 309 00:14:20,477 --> 00:14:21,809 Okay. 310 00:14:21,877 --> 00:14:24,117 All right. Now I'm gonna go psych out these other kids. 311 00:14:24,714 --> 00:14:27,815 Hey, little guy. Nervous? Sure you are. 312 00:14:27,884 --> 00:14:29,324 Here's something that might help you. 313 00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,137 Hey, little guy. 314 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,439 Stewie Griffin. Oh, right here. 315 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,468 Peter, he needs a boost. Give him some of the acting soup. 316 00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:42,696 I wanna say curse words. 317 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,063 Okay, Stewie, you're just gonna drink this juice, 318 00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,621 then say, "Mmm..." And rub your belly. 319 00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:51,809 Yeah, yeah, you got it. 320 00:14:53,509 --> 00:14:55,626 Yay! Bye, juice! 321 00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:57,694 That was amazing. I've got goose bumps. 322 00:14:57,763 --> 00:14:58,963 I want him sexually. 323 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,782 Well, Mom, Dad, 324 00:15:01,851 --> 00:15:04,385 I think we've got our new orange juice boy. 325 00:15:04,453 --> 00:15:06,320 Does this guy really think we're his parents? 326 00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:08,690 Stewie got the part? Yes! 327 00:15:08,758 --> 00:15:11,559 That is how you do it! 328 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,017 Oh, hey, Brian. What's going on? 329 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,229 Where's the fridge? 330 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,336 We got a new one. 331 00:15:21,404 --> 00:15:23,148 Stewie booked that orange juice commercial, 332 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,685 so we thought we'd make a few upgrades around the house. 333 00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:28,725 Yeah. I even bought an awesome voice-activated 3-D printer. 334 00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:30,723 Why the hell do you need a 3-D printer? 335 00:15:30,747 --> 00:15:32,479 Print coyote. 336 00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,705 Heel! Heel! Heel! 337 00:15:40,757 --> 00:15:42,289 I can't make him attack you, Brian. 338 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,536 But if I keep printing them, eventually one will go after you. 339 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,728 That money is supposed to be for Stewie's college. 340 00:15:46,796 --> 00:15:49,630 He's an actor, you idiot. He doesn't need college. 341 00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:52,211 Look, I just don't think any of this is good for Stewie. 342 00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:53,968 It's great for Stewie. 343 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,136 He's becoming a star. 344 00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:56,771 That's right. 345 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,506 Man, this must be what it's like to be Anne Hathaway's parents. 346 00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:03,010 Oh, that's Anne's car. 347 00:16:03,079 --> 00:16:04,159 Ugh. 348 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,878 Hey, Stewie. Can I talk to you... 349 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,802 What are you doing? I don't know. 350 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:15,606 Mom and Dad just stuck a book on my head and left. 351 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,620 Stewie, look at you. You're a wreck. 352 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,688 And for what? So Peter and Lois can spend the money 353 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,857 you earned on crap they don't even need? 354 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:25,482 Uh, I'm not supposed to use my voice for non-paying stuff, Brian. 355 00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,596 This is insane! You've got to stop! 356 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,454 Oh, stop worrying. I'm fine. 357 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,690 And besides, the fat man knows what he's doing. 358 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,236 No, he doesn't. He's an idiot. 359 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:35,504 You remember? He couldn't even figure out 360 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,368 how to use a hotel business center. 361 00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,564 So, what business are you in? 362 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,310 Oh, I'm just here to look at other people's e-mails 363 00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,567 who haven't logged out. 364 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,036 Then how's business? 365 00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:48,117 Well, I have left some pretty wild replies on a bunch of e-vites. 366 00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:51,275 Look at this. "I'm bringing 53 guests." 367 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,878 You're the coolest guy I've ever met in one of these things. 368 00:16:59,736 --> 00:17:02,770 Oh, hey. You caught me pigging out. 369 00:17:02,839 --> 00:17:05,439 I'm dipping this celery stalk into some lemon water. 370 00:17:05,508 --> 00:17:06,974 But don't freak out. 371 00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:08,821 I'm just gonna smell it and then throw it in the trash. 372 00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:10,388 Stewie, this has gotten out of control. 373 00:17:10,412 --> 00:17:12,212 If you're gonna continue on this path, 374 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,115 you need to know what your future holds. 375 00:17:14,183 --> 00:17:16,851 Being a child actor almost never ends well. 376 00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,463 You remember that kid from A Christmas Story 377 00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:20,047 who got his tongue stuck to that pole? 378 00:17:20,089 --> 00:17:21,433 Yeah, whatever happened to him? 379 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,024 I'll tell you what happened to him. 380 00:17:23,092 --> 00:17:24,224 He did porn. 381 00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,460 Boner from Growing Pains? Dead. 382 00:17:26,529 --> 00:17:28,406 Screech from Saved by the Bell? Porn. 383 00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:29,596 Corey Haim? Dead. 384 00:17:29,666 --> 00:17:31,786 Dana Plato? Porn, then dead. 385 00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,534 Oh, no, this is horrible. 386 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,953 You see, Stewie, there are tons of actors like this. 387 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:37,921 They all started out just like you, 388 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,524 but eventually they were destroyed by their parents' greed, 389 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,626 drugs, or perverted Hollywood directors. 390 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,495 Oh, like Bryan Singer. Exactly. 391 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,897 The point is, it's a dark path. 392 00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:49,666 My God, I had no idea it could be so bad. 393 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,147 Brian, I don't want to act anymore. Good. 394 00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:54,305 Now we just gotta make Peter and Lois understand. 395 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:55,551 Yes, well, if they want to make me 396 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,219 into a monster like those people, 397 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,909 we'll give them a monster. 398 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,778 Like when Godzilla attacked Haiti. 399 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:06,617 Oh, my God. 400 00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:19,992 Peter, did you get my text? 401 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,048 No, hold on. 402 00:18:22,919 --> 00:18:24,630 No, I don't know what he's doing here. 403 00:18:24,654 --> 00:18:27,054 Okay, Stewie, when Barbara hands you that orange juice, 404 00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:28,756 you're gonna drink it and smile. 405 00:18:28,825 --> 00:18:31,125 And really show us that energy from your audition. 406 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,105 Hold on a second, he's got a smudge on his face. 407 00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:34,739 Let me just take care of that for you guys. 408 00:18:34,763 --> 00:18:35,862 Here, drink this. 409 00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,498 I threw a little Molly in there, too, 410 00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,099 so we'll go out clubbing afterwards. 411 00:18:43,739 --> 00:18:44,922 Hey, you want this? 412 00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,440 Sure, I'll drink anything. 413 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,141 All right, action! 414 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:51,445 As a mom, I want my kids to start their day right. 415 00:18:51,513 --> 00:18:53,273 And there's no better way than with a glass 416 00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:56,083 of fresh-squeezed Sunnydale Orange Juice. 417 00:18:56,151 --> 00:18:57,417 Isn't that right, sweetie? 418 00:18:57,486 --> 00:18:58,686 Shut your hole, bitch! 419 00:18:58,754 --> 00:19:00,799 I'll tell you what I want fresh-squeezed. These. 420 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,476 What the hell's he doing? He's blowing this. 421 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,912 Oh, here's what I think of this orange juice. 422 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,352 I can't... I can't go right now with everybody watching. 423 00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:18,656 But I presume you understand the disrespect I intended. 424 00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,758 Oh, my God, he's having a meltdown. 425 00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,104 You don't suppose this has anything to do 426 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,295 with the sleep deprivation and narcotics? 427 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,864 Oh, Peter, what have we been thinking? 428 00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:29,950 It's us. We're the ones who turned him into this. 429 00:19:30,019 --> 00:19:31,918 Get this kid out of here! He's fired. 430 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,939 Well done. Not a bad performance. 431 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,442 Thank you, Brian. I... Oh, there's the poop. 432 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,743 Right now. 433 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:43,080 Oh, Stewie, Mommy and Daddy are so sorry. 434 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:45,383 I guess we just got too caught up in your success 435 00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,818 and forgot that you're just a baby. 436 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,287 You were right, Brian. 437 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,435 I guess we pushed Stewie a little too hard. 438 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:55,275 Well, the good news is that now he can go back to being a regular kid. 439 00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,109 Why are you winking at our baby, you creep? 440 00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:03,493 God, that's weird. I don't want to ever see that happen again. 441 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:10,257 Well, we went a little crazy there, didn't we, Peter? 442 00:20:10,326 --> 00:20:12,326 But I'm glad we have our normal, 443 00:20:12,394 --> 00:20:14,445 very average, non-famous baby back. 444 00:20:14,497 --> 00:20:16,775 You know, I was once a very famous baby. 445 00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,532 Were you, Peter? No. 446 00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,545 But you see how easy it is for me to lie to you? 447 00:20:20,569 --> 00:20:22,036 I do it every day. 448 00:20:22,105 --> 00:20:24,216 Anyway, it looks like everything worked out for the best. 449 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,451 You know, Brian, that acting stuff was a bit much for me, 450 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:29,276 but I did quite enjoy the dancing and the cocaine. 451 00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:30,656 Yeah? Yep. 452 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,624 So you're just gonna be a dancer and a drug addict? 453 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,881 For a while. I might crash when I'm 18, 454 00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:37,284 but then I'll just turn to the Lord and working out. 455 00:20:37,353 --> 00:20:41,989 I'll just be a 180-degree different type of insufferable. 456 00:20:42,057 --> 00:20:44,002 I used to need drugs to feel powerful, 457 00:20:44,026 --> 00:20:46,694 but now my power comes from my core strength. 458 00:20:46,762 --> 00:20:48,474 And let's look at that word, "strength." 459 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,442 The "S" stands for sacrifice. 460 00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,165 No gain without sacrifice. 461 00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:55,335 The "T," of course, stands for the sufferings of the cross. 462 00:20:55,404 --> 00:20:56,882 The "R..." You want some cocaine? 463 00:20:56,906 --> 00:20:58,016 Oh, my God, please, yes! 464 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,200 That's all I want all the time!